Begin anew

I'm not much for resolving to do anything.  Chances are, if I have made a list, I am beyond stressed out and actually afraid that I will shut down and do nothing but read a novel.  I prefer to work by a small mental mobile (think something over a baby's crib) of tasks and ideas that need to get done (or that just look pretty), in no particular order, until I remember to do them.  Therefore, a strong, hard, written on a piece of paper New Year's resolution is just not my game.  I don't think that I have ever really made one.

To begin this year, however, I have decided to tack an idea onto my mobile, to float around in my head and remind me to stay focused on the good.  To remain positive when negative is always easier.  To be comfortable hugging again.  And to never be satisfied.

All of that in one idea?  Well, you have to understand that the mobile in my head is not actually concrete.  It is an idea itself, and therefore capable of taking any form, including an idea embracing ideas.

So, for your visual reference, I've drawn you a small version of my mobile to your right.  While its much larger and prettier in my head, this will suffice.  If you will just imagine the little ideas or reminders or tasks dangling all around (in a much larger quantity), I think you may understand.  And if you can, don't imagine them in words.  Maybe pictures.  Or shards of light.  Nothing academic or rigid.

While a list gets lost and things remain unchecked, I usually work pretty well using the "hope I remember" system.   That was, until I got pregnant. Another matter all together.

So, while I was watching all of my friends have a grand time on New Year's Eve, I started thinking about what I would like this 2012 to look like.  2011 was a really great year and I have great expectations for this year.  I only know a few people who can say they bought a house, got married, and had their first child all in the matter of 12 months.  26 is a HUGE year for me.

I'd like to remember to be a big person.  For so long, it wasn't a choice.  I had to either be bigger than myself or fail to achieve my goals.  So, I would like to entertain that idea and everything that comes with it, especially as I begin to fall into a routine of work and home (which will be promptly interrupted in about 4.5 months).

I would like to remember every single moment of Mowgli's life from the moment she (or he) takes her (or his) first breath.  While this isn't really possible, I hope that I have the mental clarity and wherewithal in the first few months to appreciate all of the little moments, even when I'm emotionally and physically exhausted.

I hope to remember the things that make me happy on the days that make me sad.  To be a bit more quick to realize all of my blessings when I am tempted to lay down and give up.

I want to be able to pull from my mind all of these sweet days and nights of being married to Matt without distraction.  "They" say that the first year of marriage is hard, and "they" weren't talking about pregnancy hormones when "they" said it, but I think "they" forgot about all the shiny new emotions that come with sharing your life with someone.

I would like to remember how good it feels to do something for someone else without being prompted or paid.

I'd like to remember how to dream and think like I did when I was 18.  Open mind and open heart and trusting that anything is possible.

I would like to keep trying to remember the girl who was confident and open enough to hug any person at any time.  I love to hug, but somewhere along the way, I stopped being able to hug just anyone.  I want to be comfortable in that.

I want to remember how I feel and how my face flushes every time I feel Mowgli kick.

I'd like to be able to recreate every great run that I experienced in this past year and all the emotions that come with that.  The things that I've seen and smelled and felt.  All the sunsets that took my breath away and all the reasons that they did.

To simply remember to turn my eyes up when I am lost.

I guess I resolve to do nothing but think a little bit more than I talk and to love a lot more than I've ever known myself to be capable.  

Happy new everyday!