Thursday, March 24, 2011

Super Glue

Once you are broken, you are broken forever. In the past few months, this was more of a question than a statement. And I kept wanting to ask for everyone's opinions, but have since come to my own conclusion. When you've been broken, you stay that way. You are a beautiful stained glass window with a large crack down the middle (or 5 cracks) that's only holding it together because someone took time to repair you. Over and over again, they repair you.

Consistently, the "they" is an amazing smattering of people, new and old, who take turns holding you up. The beauty of human nature and the human experience.

In college, it became my custom to cry in my car. Not all the time, but when I would drive to or from home on the weekends. Again, it was a defense mechanism--don't let them see you weak--but it eventually became a cathartic release. I would be strong and responsible and likable and a warrior...until I got in my car. Somewhere along the road, I stopped needing to cry.

In the past week, I have spent almost 20 hours alone in my car. About an hour into my first trip, I realized that driving is not what it used to be. I didn't shed a single tear. And I expected to at least have something to get off my chest. But, not a drop.

I spend a lot of time (in all honesty, probably too much time) controlling my emotions. Being sure that I'm never too high and never too low. Because too high is a scary loss of control and too low is the darker side of that inability. My lady helped a lot with this, but since the (amicable) divorce, it's all been on me.

This has been an amazing week on an inexpressible level. Let's start with the obvious: It's spring break. And it's actually the first spring break that I have ever, in my life, had completely free. I'm not playing softball or coaching. I would like to take a moment and pat myself on the back for taking the week completely off. Because its done more for my soul than anything in a long while.

I spend a lot of time controlling my emotions. I also spend a lot of time looking for things that make me happy. Not the desperate search for a lifetime of complete happiness happy, but the here-and-now happy. The beautiful rise and fall of the sun (I admit, I take an embarrassing amount of pictures), a good run with a good friend, good food, a great book, etc. Those little blurbs of happiness build in me.

Its become one of my favorite pastimes, lately. Looking for those essential good things. Bad things are easier to see, I think.

So, this is what made my heart warm this week:

Tybee Island. Exactly what I needed to get over my work hangover and start to relax. While you can't see us in the picture, Jill, Sarah and I spent a lot of time people watching. And there were many people to be watched.

Super Moon. And super it was. It was bright and big and beautiful. I have a lot of love for the sky, and this moon was amazing.

Mom did yoga with me my first morning at the beach with them. It was really cool to show her something that I love so much, and to do yoga outside in such an awesome setting. She didn't exactly want to be in a picture though.

If life were exactly the way I wanted it to be, I would like to do this every morning. Sit on a dock and read and drink lots of coffee.

Puppy sat in the pillows of this chair all day, just happy to be with us. Dad was doing a little work and Puppy was bored of him.

My first sunset in Florida. I'm a sucker for a pretty sky.

Dad poking fun of his food throwing habit. I placed it on his head, but, unfortunately, it had some tomato on it. I had dinner with just Mom and Dad this night. Can't tell you when that's ever happened before.

This is actually the third in a sequence of pictures following the birds from the shore to overhead.

I love food. It was like sushi on a sandwich. And I got to eat it while looking into clear, blue water and white sand.

This is my running partner, Molly. Molly and I didn't go to the same beach, and that's why she's crying. She actually thought she was at a topless beach, and her Mommy told her that she wasn't. She should have come to my beach. This picture makes me smile every time I look at it.

I planned this sunset. Not really, but I planned my run down to the minute around this sunset. And when it started to set, I couldn't run anymore. It was too distracting.

Post run.

And now, home. Crawford James greeted me with the most unabashed excitement for his first karate lesson and couldn't wait to try on his digs. A child's excitement is much greater than an adult's. Revel in it.

The pictures can't tell the whole story, and I'm not sure that I can either. I got to have a conversation with my grandmother's best friend, who knew her as a real person. I got to vacation with my parents and my sister (that's it! not 7 people, but 4--and while we missed the others, it was really nice). I got to spend an entire day and night at the beach by myself, and I only cried while watching Secretariat.

It may be true that once you are broken, you are broken forever. But I really appreciate and enjoy all of the things that hold me together.