Sunday, February 20, 2011

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
e.e. cummings

i fear no fate.

Fear plays such an essential part in our lives. To be truly fearless would result in recklessness. Hazards to our society. Without notion of responsibility.

Fear is within us; consuming our thoughts and coloring our perceptions. A horn blares to your right--do you contemplatively choose to ignore it, concluding that it the warning was not directed at you? No, you involuntarily orient your eyes and mind to the sudden stimulus. Fear drives us, binding us to actions of which we seemingly have no control. Fear can cause polarity, removing us from situations that we would otherwise enjoy. A distraction from pleasure.

In fact, biologically, fear turns off our pleasure sensors. Sends us into fight or flight mode. All of your blood is redirected to the parts that are needed--your heart, lungs, muscles, and brain. The rest of your brain is left with only enough blood to keep it on idle, which means you have no capability for rational or creative thought. Its all black or white; yes or no; good or evil. In this state, you do not have the ability to think of the alternate solutions to the situation. Only run or fight.

This, like most things involving our psyche, is developed over time. We are not born with fear. We cultivate it.

Uncontrolled fear hinders us.

As humans we learn. We are presented with situations, and with each situation, we walk away with a new perspective. Good, bad, sorrowful, ugly, happy reactions to each situation we face. We learn by watching others and deciphering how we would respond in such a condition. And often, we grab onto a fearful not me, never again, not ever retort.

When something bad happens, there is an immediate defense mechanism to fear it happening again. But, here's the kicker: there's no way of knowing.

We fear the unfamiliar and we fear the unknown, both of which are limiting and uncontrollable. And we are all guilty of unwarranted fear.

The desire to protect ourselves and those around us can become an overbearing, polarizing resistance to anything involving risk. And there is risk in everything we do. Every choice we make involves risk.

Risk can be classified as anything that could result in failure. In loss.

The fear of failure is paralyzing.

In the past few years, months, days, I have fallen victim to this fear, to being paralyzed by it. I have been suspended in one moment or a string of moments for an embarrassingly long time. At its worst, every day is a battle of my consciousness to combat the fear.

Fear, for me, shows itself in many forms: Anxiety, irritability, and, ultimately, inaccessibility.

It has taken entirely too much thinking time for me to come to a conclusion about fear, though. In whatever form fear takes, it is not a weakness. It is a natural reaction to the condition we find ourselves in. A natural reaction to the condition we see our loved ones in. It can and should be talked about. And when you are ready to talk about the fears you have, then you are ready for battle. Ready to stop treading lightly in life.

I love the ee cummings poem that began this post for many reasons. One reason rationalizes these thoughts about fear. "i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)." While human nature does succumb to fear, it also allows for a comfort zone. Comforting people all around us.

The idea that even in the most trivial trying times, there is always someone there to reduce the symptoms of fear. To bring you back to reality. To give you the rationality to see that we all struggle together.

This comfort zone away from fear permits a feeling of fullness. You can counter fear with love.

My most recent encounter with fear was extinguished by concern. Not necessarily vocally expressed concern, but the people around me letting me know that I was thought of, cared about, concern-able. Just being there to listen for the slightest whimper of a call for help. And we are talking a paralyzing, all-thought-devoted fear. Previously classified as anxiety, this fear was discharged after about two weeks of sleepless nights and distracted days.

I'm running this week with a much lighter load. Comforted and comfortable. Medical science has not failed me this time and my fear of an insubordinate body is quieted for the time being. And I feel very full.

Full of love for the old and new people in my life and full of life, in general. In the absence of fear, there is a feeling of unshakable confidence.

And today is a happy day. Tomorrow will be, too. Because we all have people proximate to us who make sure of it.

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