Journeying

Every time I say, "I'm in over my head," it just doesn't sound right. Because, quite honestly, I'm not.

I'm in up to my nostrils, but I can still breathe and I can still see. I can still react. I can still reflect. I can't, however, talk. I've lost this ability temporarily. My apologies to anyone who has called in the past 3 weeks that I have ignored. Or anyone (Matt) who I've shut out. Talking is always the first to go.

Every time I think I'm busier than I've ever been, I know that I've been busier. Or, rather, I've been more overwhelmed. I feel like I'm doing it right this time.

My list of priorities has grown shorter, as has my "to do" list. While one obligation is new, the others I am seasoned in.

Seasoned. Sounds so mature and official, doesn't it? But, by golly, its true. I'm 25 and I've been coaching for 6 years. Do you remember who you were at 19 and who you were at 25 and how different those two people are? At 19 I didn't have a voice. I feel like I've recently woken up with this woman strength that I've never possessed before.

To juggle one job, one fiance, many friends, my large family, social obligations---seems like enough. But to have 3 jobs (one of which is full time--but, still) is a little masochistic, right? Well, that's who I am right now. And 3 jobs have brought out the woman in me.

Over the summer, I was hired on as the full time PE/Health & Wellness teacher at St. Peter's Episcopal School as well as the athletic director for all sports. I still give lessons and coach at FURY and I'm also coaching at GPS with the middle school softball team. All of these things rock. All of these things at the same time = a headache.

I am in beast mode right now. I'm at the top of my game. And I'm not making millions of dollars. I love what I'm doing.

I go to school every day and I get to faux-parent kids. This might sound a little harsh and maybe even a little sad, but let me explain. I am aware of how grandparentish this is going to sound, but I have no other way to say it: parents these days are doing a poor job of being parents. I teach children of well-educated, successful men and women. And their children do not know how to communicate. Do not know how to behave. Do not know how to be respectful. So, while I am teaching PE (scoff all you want), I spend the majority of my time teaching kids how to talk through their issues with their classmates, how to respect everyone. PE brings out the worst in a child, I have decided. Not only do most children fail to understand competition, but they take everything personally. So-and-so ran into me, so-and-so called me a poptart (yes, this was an actual complaint on Thursday), so-and-so took too long at the water fountain, so-and-so ran when you told us to walk. And my only impression is this: If parents would take the time to discipline their children when they back-talk, when they pitch a fit, when they refuse to obey a basic request---if parents would stop letting their little loved princes and princesses run their houses, these kids would know how to fix their own problems.

I know that there could be serious repercussions for statements such as these. I have no children. I have, however, been working with kids for a long time. I'm the oldest of 5. I know that my parents didn't do everything the right way, but they did a damn good job. And I know that in 5th grade I wasn't still running to tattle on my friend for calling me a poptart (because I work with my 5th grade teacher--she told me).

So, I have taken it upon myself to help these kids out. And it is exhausting. By the end of one day last week, I almost relented control of a class--almost let them do whatever they wanted to do. But, I won. And I'm winning. They are starting to get it; they are starting to understand how they have to act to participate in my class.

You may think I'm being unjust by demanding so much from my kids. But chaos is not an answer. And disrespect breeds more disrespect. I just don't want to be surrounded by it day after day.

I'm starting to wonder. If I teach the children of the well-educated, successful folks, what is a day like in the life of an inner city teacher?

So, I love my job. Well, all of them.

Coaching middle school has been an experience of a nature I haven't encountered. The first day of practice, it hit me in the face. I have to tell them every step of every thing I want them to do. I have to line them up to run before practice. I have to walk them through the warm up. I have to walk them through practice. I have to walk them through every pitch of every game. And I love it.

This is coaching at its max. This is what I've been learning how to do for 6 years. And at the end of the day, I get to work with my kids who know what's going on. Someone taught them, but it wasn't me.

My lessons have taken on a life of their own. The kids that I get to work with are working hard and experiencing success on the field that I revel in. Not because I "taught them everything they know," but because I was able to provide tools for game situations and, this is the kicker, their parents are thanking me.

More than anything, as a coach, thanks is the biggest gift. I don't want credit or praise, but "thank you." Hearing, "she loves you" is a pretty close second. But "thank you" rocks.

Because "thank you" means all of those things--she loves you, you are doing a great job teaching her, we really appreciate all of the time you sacrifice to be there. "Thank you," to a coach, might be the highest praise. It takes all kinds of gumption from a parent to utter those small words. And really it just means that you don't suck and you haven't slighted their kid.

All of my jobs, from coaching, to teaching, to instruction, require that parents trust me to hold their child at a high priority. That is a lot of pressure. And "thank you" acknowledges that pressure. It acknowledges that I took the time to learn your child's name and that I know them on a somewhat personal level. That I have invested myself in their success--in the classroom, on the ballfield, in life.

Enjoy the journey.

My, oh, my has it taken me a while to get here. Or, it seems that way.

I keep thinking, "I'm so happy." I'm almost too busy to enjoy it, though. I'm almost too busy to enjoy it with the people that I love. And when I can enjoy it with the people that I love, that's when I'm most enjoying the journey.

So, while 3 jobs has been an experience, I think I'm going to downsize soon. Two weeks left of middle school ball, and then I proudly announce my self-removal from all things school softball related. (I laugh as I type this because I can't say for certain that if the right opportunity arose, I wouldn't take it)

I have been looking so forward to having a routine in my life. For the past 3 years, I've been all over the place working different hours during different seasons. It's really messed with my sleep habits--as well as other ares of my life. And now that I'm in a routine, it is a lot of time spent away from my happiness priorities. So, my routine will change, yet again.

In a way, I almost hope that my routine will be ever-changing. As stated in a previous post, happiness is revolving and I tend to follow it. And I hope to keep enjoying my journey. Even if I can't talk sometimes.