Transitioning

"If I behave like a victim, life was going to treat me like a victim—and I was going to create that reality."
Jillian Michaels

I am not allowed to run for 8 weeks (well 6 weeks now). Woe-is-me!

This affects my life negatively in the following ways:

a. No emotional or physical release of stress.
b. No good running buddy talks.
c. I have so much energy that has no where to go. (perhaps another reason I can't sleep?)
d. I am being forced to rest, to slow down, and I don't like to be forced into anything.

I had my first physical therapy appointment yesterday, and I am sore. This is sad, considering I only did 3 exercises and none of them required that I leave my back. Believe me, I have had my run of the PT rooms and I am usually a champion at therapy, but in this case, I am not allowed to show my physical prowess. Luckily, I went into the surgery in great shape and I feel like my recovery time is going to be quick, but its not quite quick enough for me.

At some point in my softball career (and really, at any point) I apparently fractured my left knee cap. Obviously, it went untreated because a. I just found out about it, three years post-playing and b. my pain tolerance is outstanding. The fracture caused the cartilage under the knee cap to die, so when my orthopedic surgeon went in to fix my miniscus and clean house, he discovered the gaping hole under the kneecap. Now, I am in a period of re-growth.

Re-growth is a long, slow process no matter how you look at it. I feel like I've been in a re-growth period for some time, and I'm not just talking physically. The way I see it, everyone in my life did such an amazing job preparing me for life after high school, which was college. Maybe that's because I went to a college preparatory school. Maybe. College happened, and I rocked it. And then college was over and I was spit out into this real world full of real responsibilities. I don't feel like I'm failing at life, and this is not a moment of whining or complaining, but isn't there a handbook or something? Where are the guidelines and rules?

For instance, if my doctors and health insurance company would just work together, I wouldn't receive wasted paper statements every month stating that doctor didn't file with insurance on time, insurance didn't approve on time, or that under no circumstances should I ever receive treatment for anything, ever. Does the overseer have to be me? I thought health care was supposed to make our lives easier. I already have to pay $321 a month to even get health insurance, and now you are telling me that you can't cover me on something as necessary as a colonoscopy? I need a personal assistant. I don't have time to talk with your representative for 30 minutes about information that should already be in your database. Or just send me an email. I'll reply, I promise. In 3-4 business days.

Today, I returned a call about a benefit my health insurance package offers. It includes a nurse liason who will call and check up on me every 3 months to make sure I'm satisfied with my doctors and treatment plans. A very cool idea at its base. I, however, quickly found out that I know much more about my disease and how I'm handling it than these people do. And I also trust my doctors. So, can I trade this service in and get you to cover my treatments a little more efficiently? Thanks.

Dealing with health care is just one tiresome effect of responsibility. Nowhere in Shakespeare or Donne did I read about real-life responsibilities. And I never took the "How to survive after college" elective course. Taxes elude me, I don't know how to invest money, I can barely keep up with health insurance issues, I do know how to pay a credit card bill and balance my check book, and I've never broken down on the side of the road because I forgot to put gas in my car. If everyone would just slow down, I could get back to you in 3-4 business days.

Someone actually called me the other day from an unknown number. I usually do not answer these calls, but let them go to voicemail. I like to feel a little prepared for a conversation. On this occasion, however, I answered. And apparently, the voice on the other end could sense that I was timid in my hello. He actually said, "Hey, don't worry, I'm not a bill collector." Could he read my mind? Not that I have bill collectors calling all the time, but I do have quite a few reality checks calling every week. "Hi, Hello, you are a grown up, and this is your grown up responsibility. No, I do not care that you don't understand, just make sure you do this."

My dad's mom, who passed away when I was 15, was, and is still, an inspiration to me. She had this crazy ability to stay young for forever. She was always playing on the floor with us, had this unique ability to be carefree. Now, more than ever, I realize what a special trait this was. Because she was able to handle adult responsibility without sacrificing her innate ability to enjoy life like a child. To laugh all the time and never seem stressed out about looming adult matters. Then again, I met her later in her life. So, maybe she worked really hard to make everything seem trivial. Maybe she felt the same way I do when she was 24. That's what I'm going to go with; she faced everything head on early in life so that she could enjoy it later.

I'm a procrastinator at my very center. I'm always at least 3-5 minutes late for everything, enjoy the rush of doing something at the last minute, and I don't like to plan. I've worked on getting better at this, and I've been successful, but I still am, and will probably always be, a procrastinator. But can you procrastinate at life? I'm not saying that I don't want to grow up--I've been excited to be 50 for a long time. And that's just because I can see the ease of age set in on people. When the matters that stress me out the most don't even cause a mature adult to blink an eye. But I'm a kid adult, and I don't know what I'm doing yet.

Two points: Have you watched "Life" on the Discovery Channel yet? And also, have you watched "16 and Pregnant" on MTV? Okay, in "Life" you see animals in their natural habitat give birth (or hatch some eggs) and then nurture their offspring for anywhere from a month to a year, and then let their offspring either jump out of a nest and try to not die as they fall 50ft to the ground or let them wonder off to find their own food, hoping that by chance they don't get eaten by a large lizard. In "16 and Pregnant" you see young children bear offspring, fight with their impregnators, try to finish school, work, breast feed, and fight with their parents about their horrendous notion of responsibility. Here's the connection: In a way, I feel like I'm one of those birds that's been left to jump out of a nest, and I might die (though not really, probably just fail) on my way to the ground. I could get eaten up with responsibility as I'm trying to find my way. BUT, I'm not 16 (though I once was) and I'm not pregnant (nor have I ever been), and my responsibility compared to that of a 16 year old mother is quite slim. I have often thought, though never wished this upon myself, that if I were to accidentally get pregnant today, I could handle it. I've got a job, a great support system, and the means in which to make it work. But, holy cow, no. The situation would be much like if the little chick hatched from her egg and then immediately laid an egg. The little chick wouldn't even understand what the egg implied.

So, at the very least, I understand what the egg implies, but I do not understand health care or how to get a loan. Good thing I'm not trying to hatch eggs.