Kitchen Feet

I found a piece of my writing from 2006 and it is so funny to look at it now.  I wrote it for an undergraduate creative writing class under an image assignment.

Today I am pregnant, I have green and blue Fiesta Wear dishes, and a Matt (not a Nate) that will hold my hand when things aren't perfect.

Kitchen Feet

Nathan carried the high-heeled terry cloth slippers, the heels hooked over the edge of his hands, across the blue-flecked linoleum to Claire, who was frying eggs and hickory-smoked bacon in a cast iron skillet at the stove.  He put the right slipper on the Formica top, took the spatula out of her hand, and handed her the left slipper.  “Aren’t your feet cold,” he asked.

            “These hurt my feet,” she whispered back, her toes wriggling, feet pigeon toed out like a dancer in fifth position.  She laid the slipper beside its match, picked up the spatula, and minding the spattering grease, flipped the strips of bacon over, one by one.  Her free hand gently found its way to her belly.

            She didn’t know what she was going to tell them, how she was going to do it.  Nate wanted to walk her down the aisle, maybe not wearing that white dress, to prove to them all that it wasn’t an accident.  That they weren’t an accident.  His simple solution.

            Nathan moved from the stove and sighed.   Claire’s hands slowly remembered what they were doing and they moved the spatula under the egg, careful not to break the yolk, and rolled the egg over, exposing the burned underbelly of her absentmindedness.   “Maybe we shouldn’t do this today,” he said.

            “They’re coming here today,” she answered, stammering through they and today.  “They are coming here and you think they aren’t going to notice?” 

            “Well.”

            “Nate,” Claire trailed off.  Like two teammates after a loss late in the game, they were unable to reassure or comfort one another. 

            She put the bacon and overdone eggs on the green and blue Fiesta Ware plates that her parents had sent her when she moved to Dallas after graduation, and carried them to the small wooden table already set by Nathan.  He stared up at her as she set the plates down like an untrained puppy begging at the heels of its owner, and although she noticed the gesture, she sat down avoiding eye contact.   Nathan blessed the food, out of habit more so than sincere thanks, pausing for long seconds in between wishes and hopes and praises.  

            And then he grabbed her hand, the way he used to do in college when they would sit and eat their lunch together outside in the grass.  The way he used to do when they were riding in the car, regardless of how long the trip was.   He grabbed her hand, squeezing slightly, relaxing the fingers just enough, letting her hand fit and melt into his.  

            “Hey Nate,” she said, head down, eyes peaking up from under her too-long brown bangs. “My feet are cold.”     

Oh, Belly, Belly.

Growing up, we attended church at OLPH (Our Lady of Perpetual Help) Catholic Church.  Incidentally, that's where I also spent two very bad years of elementary school.  One of the most distinct memories I have of going to church there doesn't even include the church itself.  As we were leaving mass one Sunday, a man who lived across the street from the church came out of his house in his underwear to get his newspaper.  The whole modest carload of us were in amazement that his man would exit the privacy of his own home into the public eye wearing nothing but a pair of worn, thin boxer briefs and maybe some socks.

The most knowledgeable "they" of the pregnancy world have said that in labor and childbirth, you will lose your modesty.  As I am leaving the second trimester and entering the third, I'm convinced that I may be entering a stage of premature modesty loss.

Sitting in a lawn chair in front of my house with my shirt pulled up over my belly, I can't help but think what the children leaving school across the street must be thinking.  Will I forever be the lady who sits outside of her house nearly naked?

Or two weeks ago when two poor, unsuspecting Mormon boys made their way down the street and were forced to talk to three women--two Catholics and a bare-bellied pregnant woman.

Admitedly, this is not a practice I would have partaken in pre-pregnancy.  I'm not one to hang out nearly naked for the heck of it.  But pregnancy has done a lot to alter me.

Most days, when I wake up in the mornings, I have to remind myself that I'm pregnant.  I lay in bed for a few extra minutes and wait for the little person inside of me to wake up inside of the belly that doesn't feel like its part of my body.  And the majority of my experience with pregnancy has been much like that.  I'm constantly in awe that there's an actual person growing inside of me--while, at the same time, I'm prone to forget that she is in there at all.

I would not say that I am in love with being pregnant.  I do love it.  The selfish part of me really misses being selfish--a glass of wine or a beer, upward facing dog, B-cup bras, sushi, and seeing my toes.  In general, I like being not pregnant more than I like being pregnant.  This is not to say, however, that I am not enjoying this experience.  It is magical and I am beyond excited to meet little E.  I'm just not walking around oozing pregnancy awesomeness.

From the start, I decided to approach this pregnancy like I would approach training for a marathon.  Like I have approached training for a marathon in the past.  And the thinking was this: some days the run feels really good and some days it just doesn't.  But the finish-line is looming, regardless of your preparedness.  So, I'm training to give birth.  And just like with running, there have been many days that have brought me to my knees and I've cried and cursed the hormones that were making me cry.  Growing a kid is not easy.

There's a very fine line, I've discovered, between knowing too much and knowing nothing at all.  I love my doctor, but every time I leave an appointment, I feel like the failure mom.  I need a sign that says, "Help! I've never done this before and I need you to hold my hand!"  When I do the research, I feel like I come off as though I think I can do the doctor's job.  When I'm not clued in, I feel stupid.  So, I'm a little lost.

Growing a kid also has its benefits.  So far, it means I get to take a nap every day without feeling guilty about it.  I am allowed to truly live up to the motto "run to eat." I can expose my belly in public.  And I can wear baggy clothes without judgement.  I can also shop for maternity clothes that actually fit, building a new mini-wardrobe.

Matt Green gets the award for Husband of the Year.  In the 7 months of my pregnancy, I've completely forgotten how to take care of myself because Matt does almost everything but bathe for me.  He pays the bills, takes the trash out, does the dishes, cleans the kitchen.  I don't even know what kind of food to buy myself in the grocery store because I haven't had to grocery shop since we got married.  The man has shown me every day why I married him--because he's a good man with a big heart and he will do anything to take care of me and this baby.   He's just not allowed to tone-deaf-serenade anymore.

Our child is also not allowed to have his head.

Can you see those pretty, pouty lips?

And the answer to all my heartburn questions…we are sprouting hair.  (This is a picture of the top of her head zoomed in--don't worry yet, her head is still normal sized)

Mowhawk Mowgli, as my sister has fondly renamed her, is weighing in at a whopping 2 pounds and 5 ounces at 28 weeks gestation.  She's perfectly on track as far as growth, which is huge for us considering my Crohn's and its propensity to produce underweight babies.   She can still run and do yoga, which makes her mommy very happy.  Currently, her head is resting right under my rib cage and her feet are touching her forehead.  Yoga has made her very bendy.  

I can not wait to meet her and kiss those little lips and smell that hair and see just how big her feet really are.  

20 weeks

Half way.

Craving: the sunshine, Coke, red grapefruit, sleep, mint anything.

Mowgli is the size of a can of soda, coincidentally.  We found out on Wednesday that she is, in fact, a little girl with little girl parts and a little girl nose and a cute little butt.  It was so magical to see her on the ultrasound screen and to watch her move as I felt her move inside me.

Perhaps we will start working on the nursery soon.  As of right now, it is the store-all room for odds and ends that don't fit elsewhere in the house.  So, perhaps we will wait until I really feel nesty.

Naturally, I immediately went shopping after we found out.  This having a girl business has great potential to be expensive. 

I love being pregnant.  I don't mind that my brain has turned to mush and my body is on its way (well, I do mind a little).  And, to be quite honest, I still have no idea what I'm doing.

I haven't read one pregnancy book.  Not What to Expect or How to be a Mom or The Simple Guide to Child Birth. I'd rather not know.

It goes back to the fact that I am not a planner.  It stresses me out and makes me worry, gives me zits, and ruins a perfectly good time.  So, early on in this incubating relationship, I decided that there would be no need for all of the "what ifs" and "could be's."  Unless something is going wrong, don't tell me!

I do get the reminder emails from The Nest and What to Expect When You're Expecting dot com, but given that the illustration on the front of their book is from 1947, I just don't trust that a lot of the information is sound advice.  We have ultrasounds now.  And you don't really need to know what to expect.  That is part of the experience.

So, for now, we are just winging it.

Right now, I expect to feel her move every day.  And that is like a little secret joy that I get to experience all day long.  No one else can feel it, which is part of why it is so amazing.  I was able to feel her move at about 16 weeks and her kicks keep getting stronger and stronger.  She can kick a book that is sitting on my belly and she is even kicking the laptop has I write this.

This is our 20 weeks bump.

And this is our 20 weeks picture.

So far, we still enjoy running and yoga.  Lately, we love to lay in bed and read and drink tea that Matt makes for us every night.

Only 4 months to go.  That seems like such a long time to wait!  I can't wait to meet my little E. E. G. :)

Begin anew

I'm not much for resolving to do anything.  Chances are, if I have made a list, I am beyond stressed out and actually afraid that I will shut down and do nothing but read a novel.  I prefer to work by a small mental mobile (think something over a baby's crib) of tasks and ideas that need to get done (or that just look pretty), in no particular order, until I remember to do them.  Therefore, a strong, hard, written on a piece of paper New Year's resolution is just not my game.  I don't think that I have ever really made one.

To begin this year, however, I have decided to tack an idea onto my mobile, to float around in my head and remind me to stay focused on the good.  To remain positive when negative is always easier.  To be comfortable hugging again.  And to never be satisfied.

All of that in one idea?  Well, you have to understand that the mobile in my head is not actually concrete.  It is an idea itself, and therefore capable of taking any form, including an idea embracing ideas.

So, for your visual reference, I've drawn you a small version of my mobile to your right.  While its much larger and prettier in my head, this will suffice.  If you will just imagine the little ideas or reminders or tasks dangling all around (in a much larger quantity), I think you may understand.  And if you can, don't imagine them in words.  Maybe pictures.  Or shards of light.  Nothing academic or rigid.

While a list gets lost and things remain unchecked, I usually work pretty well using the "hope I remember" system.   That was, until I got pregnant. Another matter all together.

So, while I was watching all of my friends have a grand time on New Year's Eve, I started thinking about what I would like this 2012 to look like.  2011 was a really great year and I have great expectations for this year.  I only know a few people who can say they bought a house, got married, and had their first child all in the matter of 12 months.  26 is a HUGE year for me.

I'd like to remember to be a big person.  For so long, it wasn't a choice.  I had to either be bigger than myself or fail to achieve my goals.  So, I would like to entertain that idea and everything that comes with it, especially as I begin to fall into a routine of work and home (which will be promptly interrupted in about 4.5 months).

I would like to remember every single moment of Mowgli's life from the moment she (or he) takes her (or his) first breath.  While this isn't really possible, I hope that I have the mental clarity and wherewithal in the first few months to appreciate all of the little moments, even when I'm emotionally and physically exhausted.

I hope to remember the things that make me happy on the days that make me sad.  To be a bit more quick to realize all of my blessings when I am tempted to lay down and give up.

I want to be able to pull from my mind all of these sweet days and nights of being married to Matt without distraction.  "They" say that the first year of marriage is hard, and "they" weren't talking about pregnancy hormones when "they" said it, but I think "they" forgot about all the shiny new emotions that come with sharing your life with someone.

I would like to remember how good it feels to do something for someone else without being prompted or paid.

I'd like to remember how to dream and think like I did when I was 18.  Open mind and open heart and trusting that anything is possible.

I would like to keep trying to remember the girl who was confident and open enough to hug any person at any time.  I love to hug, but somewhere along the way, I stopped being able to hug just anyone.  I want to be comfortable in that.

I want to remember how I feel and how my face flushes every time I feel Mowgli kick.

I'd like to be able to recreate every great run that I experienced in this past year and all the emotions that come with that.  The things that I've seen and smelled and felt.  All the sunsets that took my breath away and all the reasons that they did.

To simply remember to turn my eyes up when I am lost.

I guess I resolve to do nothing but think a little bit more than I talk and to love a lot more than I've ever known myself to be capable.  

Happy new everyday!

A new reason to nap

It is absolutely impossible to blog when you are keeping a secret. A secret that you want to tell immediately. A 10-week secret.

Matt and I found out almost 4 weeks after our honeymoon that we brought home a very special souvenir from St. Lucia. Our little jungle baby (Mowgli) will be here around May 31. We've had a good bit of time to get used to it, but every day there is a little bit of "whoa." Considering we only had 3 weeks of martial bliss before we started Parenting 101, I think we are doing pretty well.

I've been through every emotion in the book--terrified, excited, sad, content, scared again, happy. I'm like a revolving door of emotions right now. Matt has a hard time keeping up with all of them, and, unfortunately, most of the emotions are geared at him.

This ultrasound picture is from 8.5 weeks. By now, we have evolved from the blob shape into a small human with fingers and toes.

I knew I was pregnant before I took the test, before I ever missed a period. I had a sneaking suspicion. Poor Matt never saw it coming.

How do shows like this even exist? Exist enough so that there are multiple episodes? Because so many women are having random babies?

This boggles my mind. Yes, I have seen the show. Yes, these women tend to be overweight or have irregular periods. BUT, COME ON. I am only leaving the first trimester and I feel SO PREGNANT.

Last night, my reflux was horrific. I had a headache. I maybe slept a total of 4 hours. As I lay awake in our bed, Matt snoring peacefully by my side, I couldn't help but think of these women. Women who "wake up with a sharp pain" and then suddenly go into labor and have a baby. HUH?

What about the 9 months of cravings, the hunger, the reflux, the nausea, the BLOATING and gas, the weird pooping, the aching nipples, THE WEIGHT GAIN, anything? Hello?

Did this happen to women back in the day? Like, Jesus times? Or 17th Century England? Were women popping out babies like magic? No, they weren't. Because if they did, THEY'D BE ACCUSED OF WITCHCRAFT.

Gosh, I would feel so unprepared if a baby just showed up one day. Nine months seems like the perfect amount of time, doesn't it? Just enough time, but not too much. God job, God.

That being said, I am so thankful that Matt and I have this time to figure some things out before Mowgli gets here. To enjoy the process, hopefully. I mean, there are still plenty of days that I have to fight a horrible mood and remind myself that there is a PERSON inside of my body. If I didn't know better, I would think an alien had invaded.

For the majority of our marriage, I have hated the way that our house smells and I've generally disliked Matt. He has been amazingly understanding, though, and besides a few minor aggravations, he can pretty much ignore me and my hormonally challenged state.

Sometimes, when we are laying in bed, I look down and think how is a baby going to fit in there? And better yet, how is a baby going to come out of there?

While I'm still a little unsure about the pregnancy (don't worry, I bounce into maternal bliss several times a day), I am so so so very excited to be a mommy. Its a job I've always dreamed about. I can't want to hold her (I think its a girl--we will find out in about 6 weeks), and smell her, and kiss her. And if I tell you all of the things I'm excited about, I will cry. Because that's what pregnant women do.

But what I am most excited about is that we are bringing a child into the world who is going to be loved by so many people. And I want as many people to love our child as conceivable.

Life's real. Its made up of little things--minutes, hours, naps, errands, routine. And it has to be enough.

Now that the hub-bub of the wedding is over and Matt and I are finally able to settle a bit into our "new" life together, I would like to let out a long exasperated sigh.

The wedding was beautiful and perfectly imperfect. The reception was so unexpectedly fun (in that I hoped everyone else would have fun, but I did not expect to have as much fun as I did). The honeymoon was relaxing and quiet--so quiet, at times, that Matt and I just looked at each other and wondered, okay, now what do we do? And then the honeymoon was over. The moment the plane touched down in Atlanta, the phones came on and the normal, hectic life we had left behind just 6 days earlier made its reappearance.

It has been a whirlwind of a month, to say the least. And, actually, if I'm being honest, it has been a whirlwind of 3 months. Between buying the house, the start of school, and getting married, there were moments when we were barely breathing, much less talking.

So, in short, I like being married much more than I enjoyed being engaged. Let's be honest. After 18 months, who wouldn't be over the engagement?

Life in our little Green house is fun and comfortable, sometimes fiery. We enjoy our small disagreements and work hard to make each other happy. That's something that I hope we never forget how to do. I really enjoy coming home every night and having someone here that is just for me and I'm just for him, even though he's a grump.

And so, normal life has re-commenced; the routine of every day the same and a little different. Tired by 9, awake by 6. Throw in good friends, good runs, good books, and a stupid cat. What you have before you folks are a couple of tired, happy people. In truth, I am still trying to figure things out.

Blame my impatience with myself, and only myself, but I had kinda hoped we were past figuring it out. But I always do forget the point: every experience is one to grow on until the next. So far, though, being married is pretty easy. It hasn't been this earth-shattering shift in lifestyle that I had been warned about.

My favorite day of the week has officially become Saturday. I used to really enjoy Wednesdays because my schedule at school was a little easier and it meant that the work week was halfway over, but I've recently decided that Saturday offers everything I love about a day. Sleep late (maybe), run, watch football, clean a little (maybe), see friends, be outside, eat well, time for a nap, and a husband who is equally dedicated to a day of enjoyment. My love for Saturday might also have something to do with the fact that I work every other day. But any way you look at it, Saturday is splendid.

This is not to say that I do not love the days that I work. I love my jobs and I love all of the kids that I get to work with on a daily basis. I'm passionate about what I do and the many hats that I am blessed to wear. Lately, however, I've been exhausted. I'm going to call it a wedding hangover. While we slept a lot on our honeymoon, I could use another week of sleep. And so, in my tired state, I may or may not be giving off negative energy. Don't worry. I'm remedying this.

During one of the happiest periods of my life, I've become spoiled. In many ways, I forgot that being happy takes hard work, every day. Just like anything in life--anything that you want (or need, coincidentally) takes hard work. So, instead of riding this wave right out of happy newly-wed and into unhappy married couple, I'm recognizing a need for a recommitment to my personal happiness as well as Matt's. Pretty soon, the newness will wear off, just like the shininess of our new kitchen gadgets. And I'd rather start working on being happy, regardless, again.

Life's real. Its made up of little things--minutes, hours, naps, errands, routine. And it has to be enough.

If you want to be happy, be.

Matt and I closed on our very own house almost two months ago on June 17th. While Matt dealt with most of the nitty gritty on house buying during the day (dealing with lenders, realtor, etc.), I worked during the day and in the evenings to make sure our finances were in order. Matt's job was much harder than mine. If the task were left to me, we probably wouldn't be in a house.

But our house is perfect and lovely and cozy. One of my softball players called it a "little cottage" in her super country, East Tennessee accent. That's exactly what it is though. And Max asked, "How is Matt going to fit in there?" Because Matt is big, and the house is not. But he fits. We are both fitting here comfortably.

Because Matt and I have not dwelled together before we closed on the house (54 days before the wedding, to be exact!), we are having to learn each other in a completely different way. A great way. Probably a way that is supposed to happen after marriage, but hell, we're here now so don't judge. We decided on this journey a long time ago, so we are happy with our decision.

Part of living together before we do the till-death-do-us part was an economical decision. The other part of it can only be described like house-breaking a dog. You can't be too busy or the dog will pee on the rug forever. Because we're getting married in September, it will mean that we will go back to our normal, strange schedules. I'll work all day and a few nights, and Matt will work primarily nights. So, if we are to spend any meaningful time living together, the time is now. We needed to sniff each other out so that when we work opposite schedules, we feel like we still live together. Matt also needed to learn how to make a bed. The past few weeks have been really fun and sweet.

Its like living in a real-life Sims game. Girl Sim needs food, so Boy Sim cooks. Girl Sim makes bed and tucks sheets, which makes Boy Sim unhappy because he doesn't like his feet tight at the end of the bed. Girl Sim likes her laundry to smell good and Boy Sim kind of likes smelling last week on his clothes (ie unscented laundry detergent). Girl Sim needs shower. Boy Sim waters plants 3x a day. Girl Sim wants a nap and Boy Sim wants to sit on the couch and watch. Boy Sim likes to wash dishes in the sink even though there's a dishwasher and Girl Sim can't stand the grime leftover on forks.

If you can imagine it, we've just met all over again and are dating. Except its much more complicated than that because we know each other so well, but not well enough. I haven't eaten carbs in two weeks because its not part of Matt's diet and he does all the grocery shopping so far. I'm melting because I LIVE off carbs. Granted, he has given me my own little cabinet space for crackers and cereal and pasta. And we are eating a really clean diet. But I do miss my rich breads. Not enough to go to the grocery store though...

If you haven't read it already, you really should pick up the small, unassuming book Hector and the Search for Happiness. Its so small that you could re-read it several times in a week if you choose. "Once upon a time there was a young psychiatrist called Hector who was not very satisfied with himself..." Hector is very good at treating patients in need of his help. But he can’t do much for those who are simply dissatisfied with life, and that is beginning to depress him. When a patient tells him he looks in need of a vacation, Hector takes a trip around the world to learn what makes people happy—and sad. As he travels from Paris to China to Africa to the United States, he lists his observations about the people he meets. The list he comes up with is simple, almost too simple, in solving this big conundrum. The secret lies in remembering the good things you have going for you.

Too often, I think, we let ourselves slide into negative funks without allowing ourselves to really think through it. Letting the bad thoughts slip in and failing to dismiss them, allowing them to infect us and others.

While we are all searching for contentment in our lives, we lose focus and get frustrated.

I've never been a planner, neither short or long term. I don't like to look too far ahead for fear that I'll be disappointed. Living with Matt and planning the wedding has taken me out of my comfort zone. I'm planning for my (our) future and it makes me most anxious.

When I was 5, my parents always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down, "happy." They said I didn't understand the assignment. I said they didn't understand life.

Luckily, Matt is really, really (almost too good) at planning. I do plan on letting Matt be the master planner for the rest of our lives. I'll do the day-to-day planning, but I'm not really even good at that. What am I doing tomorrow, you ask? I have no plans. Besides the basic survival strategies I've set up for myself (eat, sleep, run, work), I'm fairly inept at planning or decision making.

My search for happiness has landed me here:

1. Happiness is having a home and a garden.

2. Happiness is doing a job that you love.

3. Happiness is running slow enough to talk with a great friend.

4. Happiness is knowing how to breathe through a tough situation.

5. Happiness is Saturday morning coffee in your pajamas with someone you love.

6. The sun and the sea make everyone happy.

7. Happiness is a dinner table full of happy, smiling faces.

8. Happiness is coming home to someone you love every day.

9. Happiness is having enough money to do the things you love and pay your bills.

10. Making comparisons can spoil your happiness.

11. Happiness often comes when least expected.

12. Its a mistake to think that happiness is the goal.

13. Happiness is being loved for exactly who you are.

14. Happiness is knowing how to celebrate, breathe, rationalize.

15. Happiness is making sure the people around you are happy.

I think we like to complicate something when it is really quite simple; find what it is that makes you happy, and find who it is that makes you happy, and stay focused on that, and you're set. Promise. No matter what has happened before or what could happen later.

While all of the planning and changing have made me uncomfortable and anxious, I'm pretty proud of my ability to breathe through it all so far. I've learned (and am still learning) to move through this world of adulthood that's tarnished and scarred and ugly sometimes, and prevent a lot of the head-spinning negative thoughts. The scary "what-ifs."

And in four weeks, I'll be married to a man who works just as hard as I do (if not harder--he's not pre-set on the feeling, a grouch at heart) to stay happy.

"If you want to be happy, be." Leo Tolstoy